Insight

While watching Heavy tonight, I tried to figure out what was holding me back in regards to losing weight. I had a tough time thinking of other possibilities that I have not already thought of. Bad relationships, poor(lack of) relationship with my father, financial stresses......but I have already accepted these.

So I thought to possibly more recent changes in my life since I have moved to Arizona.

• I moved 1800 miles from my family but my family knows that is all for the best. So yeah, that could have played a part but I visited twice a year at least for the first 6 years. I was NOT missing anything, especially after 3 days and was ready to get back to Arizona and away from all the drama.
• In 2005 I lost 2 important people in my life. Feb 2005 my great-grandmother died, she lived a wonderful life and we all knew it was a matter of time. April 16, 2005 my Uncle Frank died, he was 36 years old. Growing up I looked up to him, even though he made many poor decisions with his life. I still loved him. He was more like a brother to me, considering we were 6 years apart. So it was not easy. After these two GREAT losses, I feel as though my family is not as close as they use to be. No one seems get together anymore. Just seems cold at times. I think that is one of my reasons for wanting a big family of my own. I want to feel love and closeness of family I miss.
• I started a Career. I have always worked but they were 'jobs'. I have always taken pride in every job I have done. I have learned many skills and cherish all of them. But I think what really changed me is how I connect with others. In school, I had learn to 'not take things personally'. Not everybody is going to like you, even though you may doing what is best for them. So this is why I seem to have a hard time being empathetic to others.

I feel sad & weak that I have changed, I miss the me I use to be. Not necessarily the actions and things I have done, but the real me who use to wear her heart on her sleeve. I know I also do it for PROTECTION. It never feels good to be hurt even emotionally. I just need to find balance, to feel safe but also not closed off from others. Ahh, *sigh*, slowly releasing some of the weight off my shoulders. But there is a lot more to let go. I guess I will just have to start slow.